Why do some toddlers refuse to eat? And why is it the most stressful thing ever when they do?
If you’re in it right now with a toddler who is…let’s say strong-willed, I know it probably feels really heavy. The critical voices are always loud in parenting, but something about their refusal to eat can take it to a whole new level.
I want to assure you that it’s completely normal for toddlers to go through a phase like this. You’re not doing anything wrong, and it’s not your fault. They’re just starting to assert their independence. And taking control wherever they can!
I also want to assure you that you don’t need to use bribes, power struggles, punishments, or any other methods that don’t feel good to you. They only fan the flame.
As you’ll learn in this post, the best ways to help your toddler through this phase are to work with them and find ways to give them healthy, age-appropriate control over their food choices. (Without letting them take over, or turn you into a short-order cook!)
Hi! I’m Danielle Mondesir (M.S., CCC-SLP)
I’m an ASHA-certified Speech-Language Pathologist, Feeding Therapist, and the founder and CEO of Desired Pediatric Therapy Services. My experience includes evaluating and treating children in various settings, including schools, daycare centers, teletherapy facilities, pediatric facilities, private clinics, and homes. I’ve worked with clients ranging from 0 to 18 years old, addressing pragmatics, language, articulation, fluency, feeding, and developmental delays. My goal is to empower families, bridge communication gaps, and make therapy a truly impactful experience from the very start. Because when therapy is fun, children do better. And when caregivers are supported, everyone thrives.
Why Your Toddler Refuses To Eat
Toddler food refusal and picky eating are common and usually normal developmental phases.
Between 18 months and three years of age, appetite naturally decreases, and toddlers begin to assert their independence, craving control. This leads some kids to develop strong food preferences (“Dino nuggets only!”) or aversions to certain textures, smells, or temperatures.
Here are a few other reasons why toddlers might refuse to eat:
- They’re seeking control.
- They’re not hungry. (Often, this is because they’re snacking or grazing and drinking milk or juice all day, which suppresses their appetite.)
- They’re overwhelmed by new foods, textures, and smells.
- They’re afraid of new foods. (This might not seem “rational” to you, but food is extremely sensory. So being overwhelmed by or afraid of it is very common!)
- They’re responding to pressure at the table.
- They could have oral motor or sensory feeding challenges.
The good news is that, with structure and a pressure-free approach, you can support healthy eating and build good feeding habits that will set them up for long-term success with food.
What To Do When Your Toddler Won’t Eat
The most important thing you can do is realize that their refusal is a form of communication, not misbehaviour. I can’t understate how important it is to get curious about why your toddler won’t eat! And if you can’t figure it out on your own, reach out to a feeding therapist who can do a thorough assessment and get you some answers!
Once you know or suspect the “why,” you can start to address it with some of the tips below. (They’re tips and tools I use in my feeding therapy sessions, or teach the parents I work with to start using at home, so I know they can go a long way.)
#1 Create a Meal and Snack Schedule
A schedule creates safety, predictability, and routine, all of which can help your toddler to eat more easily! Plan to serve a meal or snack every two to three hours, and avoid offering anything in between (other than water) to allow their hunger to build.
#2 Include a Safe Food at Every Meal
Help your child feel safe around food by offering a familiar food at every meal or snack. This reduces anxiety and ensures that, if they’re hungry, there will always be something they’ll eat.
And, don’t worry—I’m not saying you have to cook an entirely separate meal for them. Serving a safe food can be as simple as setting aside some plain rice before you mix the rest into your stir-fry. Or offering a banana alongside the burgers and fries.
#3 Remove Pressure and Bribes
I’d rather tell you what to do than what not to do, but these are two big ones that I really can’t get around. Because pressure and bribes like “Just one more bite,” or “Finish your broccoli!” or “No dessert unless…” actually push your child toward food refusal by making eating a negative experience. Instead, use calm, low-pressure language, such as “You don’t have to eat it” and “It’s here if you want it.”
(I recognize that this might be a significant change, especially if you grew up being expected to clean your plate, eat what was served to you, or go to bed hungry. But the pressure hasn’t worked so far, right? So I would encourage you to just give this a try!)
#4 Follow the Division of Responsibility
The Division of Responsibility framework by Ellyn Satter states that caregivers and children have distinct “roles” or “jobs” when it comes to feeding and eating:
The caregiver decides what, when, and where food is served.
The child decides if and how much they’ll eat.
Notice that it says “if” they’ll eat. That means that yes, your child can choose not to eat.
(I know that can be frustrating, but there’s truly no way to force them otherwise. So I hope that recognizing it’s not your job to “make” them eat can take some pressure off. It’s your job to offer food, not make them eat it. So as long as you’ve offered, you’re doing all you can.)
#5 Provide Gentle Food Exposures
Get in the habit of exposing your child to foods without the expectation that they’ll eat them because, on average, kids need 10-20+ exposures to a new food before they’ll eat it. So present new foods, but don’t expect them to be eaten right away. And if they don’t eat something new the first time? Offer it again. And again. And again. (Permission to keep packing veggies in their lunch, even if they don’t get eaten—yet!)
And, remember: A successful exposure doesn’t have to involve tasting at all. Your child might simply touch, smell, or even tolerate the new food on their plate or at the table.
#6 Model Eating Behavior
Your child will be more likely to eat if they see you sitting down and doing the same! Take time to eat together, and while you do, talk about the colors, textures, and temperatures of the foods you’re eating: “These carrots are so crunchy!” or “Mmmm, I love juicy oranges!”
#7 Avoid Snacking and Grazing
I know, I know. Another “don’t”! But snacking and grazing keep kids from ever feeling true hunger, which decreases their motivation to eat a proper meal. So they’re big ones!
Instead of providing constant snacks, provide planned meals and snacks to build genuine hunger and establish the kind of routine we discussed in Tip #1.
#8 Watch for Oral Motor or Sensory Concerns
Persistent gagging, choking, or texture refusal may indicate an oral motor or sensory concern that your child needs help addressing. If you notice any of these signs, feeding therapy can help.
Where To Go From Here (And When To Seek Help)
That was a lot of information! So let’s recap:
- Build structure around meals and snacks
- Reduce the pressure to eat
- Focus on connection over control
If all you take away from this article is this, I can almost guarantee that you’ll make some progress at mealtime, even if it’s just in regards to reducing your stress.
And if things don’t improve, your child isn’t meeting feeding and swallowing milestones, or you notice signs of an oral motor or sensory concern, seek support from a feeding therapist who can thoroughly assess them and help them make progress.
References
- Division of Responsibility in Feeding: Ellyn Satter
- Feeding and Swallowing Milestones: American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA)
- Picky Eating in Children: Causes and Consequences: National Library of Medicine
- How Much and How Often to Feed: CDC Infant and Toddler Nutrition
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